A Luminous Death

No Errors During Life Can Diminish the Beauty of Each Lived Being

My father died suddenly last month. I was not surprised but was still unprepared for the grief and geological layers of inner conflict I felt unable to excavate. However, in contrast to the inner conflict, the external choice was simple, do I go to his memorial?

Nine years ago, following fifteen years of estrangement from my family, my oldest sister died, throwing us back into contact. It was fraught for me, due to experiences that do not contribute here. I continued to choose emotional distance, enabled by a busy life, but there were now visits, camping trips, etc., with my brothers and remaining sister. My children gained aunts and uncles, cousins. There was normalization of some order or species.

People die and life ensues.

Following my sister’s memorial, I watched my father interact and noticed all the signs of serious cognitive decline – talking around a word he couldn’t find, a kind of friction or urgency to his expression, extreme disorganization as reported by my brother. This was a man with exceptional language and memory skills. My father had dementia. In the following years, I monitored and asked after him from afar but did not attempt to reconnect. He had been willing to create or allow disconnection for the entirety of my life and now he was losing the ability to understand his part or to repair the relationship in any meaningful way. Estrangement was no longer a choice for either of us. It was a disease eating away at the tenuous illusion of hope. After near a decade of progression, within weeks of moving into a daily care community, he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Weeks later he was dead.

My oldest sister had stayed in touch with me and was willing to discuss the things she and I had experienced at our parents’ hands. She made it clear that she wanted me in her life and I felt the same. Our last phone conversation we told each other, “I love you”. I experienced no conflict returning for her memorial. My father had mocked, dismissed and ignored me my entire life. Even worse, the few times he talked with me, making clumsy attempts to show interest, his kindly intended comments were addressed to some helpless, simple minded, failure he held in his head in my stead.

However, I tried, I couldn’t suss out my motivations or even if there were any unified feelings about his passing. Grief would come and go, rage would erupt in random moments, empathy for him, for my brother who idolized him, gratitude that my mother and brother had dutifully cared for him infused many moments, relief that he was not suffering, sorrow and disgust that he had never even called to ask about my children. Grudging respect for his relentless drive to create, build, invent, think, argue, express. Bitter disappointment at how unconscious and actively destructive he had been to me as a human, let alone as a son.

Each emotion dominated in the moment, rewriting reality, as if as if my relationship to him were constructed only of grief, or only of gratitude or only of rage or only of love. Yet each insistent singular emotion was immediately ephemeral in the ecosystem of all. “Making sense of it all” I watched myself actively create confusion. It felt overwhelming and harassing to experience.

“Informed” by this emotional roller coaster, I struggled with concrete decisions. Do I go to support my siblings, especially my brother who was very close to him and must be grieving terribly? Do I stand on my right to a boundary and not go to avoid my mother? Do I go to assert my presence, and interact normally with my siblings to show my mother she can’t define me or the choices I make? Do I go to give myself the chance to forgive her, see that she is a tired old woman who has had an extremely difficult life? Do I go to honor that he brought me into the world, fed and clothed me, however cruelty may have sullied the gift? Do I go and for the first time, speak of some of the shameful things my mother and father did to me, my siblings’ idealized perceptions be damned? If I do not go, am I being weak, or spiritually self-indulgent? If I do not go, will I regret it as so many well-meaning people suggest? Is there a personal choice? Is there an ethical choice? Is there a spiritual choice? Is there a human choice? Am I so fatigued by my various conflicted concerns that I no longer care? Do I flip a coin (this last actually occurred to me)?

Maybe there is no good choice.

Over the weeks I ran various scenarios in my head, trying to feel the rightness of anything. I began to feel anger and resentment that I, badly abused by my parents, still labored under this emotional and psychological work to interact with my siblings who ignored what was done to me, while they benefited from the relative beneficence of our parents. I wondered, how is it that I am spending my entire life, paying the price for my parents’ abuse, followed by their outright lying and gaslighting to convince my siblings that I was just angry because I was “different”, “artistic” and “too sensitive”. How is it that this is a struggle from which I seem to escape, even if I have healed, even if I paid for several decades of therapy, even if I have forgiven, moved on, made a life for myself, how do I always end up being tormented by, tasked by a fundamentally twisted and corrupted family system?

At my age, with two young children, I was too tired to continue asking these questions that had plagued me for all my thirties and forties. I began to simply wonder, how in the hell does anyone do this? How exactly does one go about being human? It sometimes seems like life is nothing but suffering, confusion and choices forcibly made while hurting with a woeful paucity of information. What does the universe want from me, from us? How are we to go about this experiential endeavor when none of us have a clue?

Blessings abound even in the midst of struggle. I attended a previously scheduled weekend retreat with some very close friends, brothers of the best kind. I entered the weekend with emotional yearning more than intention. I kept feeling this message pour from me - you were a shite father in life, be a father to me now, help me now, guide me now. Underneath this supplication was a deep realization that for all the years of studying and flirting with religion, with all the years of philosophy, existential exploration, ethical study – I had no idea how to be a human being. I felt I had largely fucked up every significant component of being a man and a human, financially, relationally, ethically, careerwise (or lack thereof). I no longer agonized over it, I just felt deeply perplexed. What the hell am I supposed to do? How do I do this? How does one go about being a human being?

As the weekend expanded, in deep meditation, I found myself in dialogue with guides with whom I had communed before. I do not know their identities or if my father was present. I poured out my frustrations, confusions, and anger. I asked, demanded, argued, and cajoled, pushing them to show me or explain to me how to be human. Though the dialogue was energetic expression, not verbal, the meaning translated to this limited language code:

Guides, “Being human requires not knowing or understanding how to be human . . . by design”

I got mad and insisted that with God’s power, I could be helped, transformed. I pushed, “help me, show me, do it for me. I’m tired of trying, I’m tired of pretending I know how to do this.”

They spoke, “You are the help – you are the channel through which help manifests.”

I got more frustrated.

“I’m sick of everything being turned back on me, I don’t know how to choose, I don’t know what to do. I renounce this suffering, I renounce the narrative of sacrifice, I renounce any narrative that requires demonizing, hurting or abusing any living experiencing being. I’m sick of a system that requires death and suffering so that others can enjoy and thrive. Frankly I don’t think it’s necessary. I’ve had it with this shit.”

They responded, “You can exit the illusion if you choose, but you leave your children behind.”

I responded,

“Hell no, no question, no negotiation, under no agreement, under no circumstance do I leave my children. I choose to be a father to my children. I choose to stay with my children.”

They said, “Ok, then you have to accept that being in this reality means not knowing how to do it, by your own intention, by design.”

I got mad again.

“You can help me; I don’t believe that you are constrained by a narrative or some random rule.”

They responded, “You chose not to know, you chose this life, these experiences.”

I responded

“I don’t care. What God doesn’t understand is that once we’re in this, we suffer terribly and we are limited and we don’t understand. You need to tell God, this may be an illusion or a place for souls to learn, but once we’re in, we suffer terribly. I don’t think God understands this.”

They responded again, “You can be free of it, you can leave but your children remain.”

“No, that is not up for discussion! You’re dodging my question.”

I felt disrespectful so I softened and said “No, but I’ll accept, for now, that I can’t know, I can’t know or understand what this is or how to do it. Fine, why can’t higher consciousness help me, tell me what to choose, how to be human”

They responded, “You can’t know, by design. You must surrender, surrender to your experiences”

I responded with resentment, “Ok fine, but not knowing and being human means, I don’t know how to and I’m sick of the weight being put on me. I don’t know how to do this. Why can’t higher consciousness do it for me? Help me?”

They said “Ok”

I felt my hands being gently formed into a prayerful, receptive pose without my will or intention. I was partially fascinated and felt partially dirtied by my body being used without my intention. I got mad, yanked my hands back and yelled “I told you no! Don’t force me!”

They said,

“Your whole childhood, your mom forced you, controlled you and it made you an object to be directed at her will. This was the point of your childhood, and your learning. You already understand better than most that control doesn’t work. Higher consciousness cannot force you to evolve. You must choose it.”

I responded, “I don’t want to hear that. I don’t know how, by definition. I want help.”

They said, “Higher consciousness will help you, loves you, doesn’t want you to suffer but you have to choose.”

Feeling slightly defeated, but acquiescing, I said, “So what do I do?”

They said,

“Surrender to not knowing, to not understanding your experiences. Surrender to your experiences. Higher consciousness responds to your will, to your choice, not to your outcomes. When you deny or hide your experiences, higher consciousness accepts that you are choosing to be in control. When you surrender to your experiences, surrender to not knowing, stop controlling and ask for help, higher consciousness accepts your will and intercedes, evolves you and brings you to a reality far more beautiful, far more loving, far more joyful than you can imagine. If you take over, use your ‘knowing’, begin directing events, higher consciousness accepts your will and autonomy and relents from interceding.”

I responded frustrated again “But beyond all this, higher consciousness is basically magic, can create anything. Why does the system have this limit, this requirement? I don’t but that this is just the way it is”

They responded with two things,

“First, remember you chose not to know. This human reality is built with absolute limits on knowing and understanding, by intention. Second, remember what your mom did to you? Ignoring consent makes a conscious being an object, which dulls, masks, and sedates conscious awareness. This is the opposite of what you are asking for.”

Me, “So how do I do it? Can you at least help me surrender to my experiences?

They said,

“Yes, we help you more than you know. You don’t have to understand. The reason we tell you to surrender to your experiences is because it softens your body so that we can evolve your body to the frequency needed to inhabit the reality you seek. We will help you, but you must choose to surrender – not give up, not be defeated in the face of your experiences - surrender, soften your body and we will evolve your body to the frequency you need. This is your contract with higher consciousness. Surrender to experiences, soften your body, ask for help – This is your communication that you consciously choose for higher consciousness to act on your behalf and evolve you such that you naturally inhabit the reality you seek.”

They reiterated and clarified,

“The answer is: surrender to not knowing what to do, surrender to your experiences and ask for guidance and not only will you be guided, but you will be voluntarily evolved in ways far more beautiful than you can imagine.

If you hide or deny your experiences, this signals your will to control your evolution, to retain your experiences, and we will honor your will and autonomy. Your experiences are your evolution.

When you are struggling, breath, soften your body, surrender to your experience and ask for higher consciousness to help. You asked how to be human, this is how to be human. We cannot tell you more without removing your humanity.”

I returned from the retreat, both at peace and excited, with a sense of mystery, feeling honored to have been acknowledged and supported with explicit instructions that were known, not thought. I went to bed in a mild bliss. Yet, the next morning, I woke up struggling at 3AM, anxious, still conflicted over my father’s memorial – a father who mocked, dismissed and ignored me most of my life. I felt angry – I asked for clear, explicit guidance and here I am again – struggling, conflicted and confused.

I took a beat and an energy state gently introduced the information – time to practice. This isn’t about knowing, this is about trusting. Your part is to put the instructions into practice.

I slowed everything down and followed instructions. I surrendered to anger, hurt, resentment, yearning, I breathed, I softened my body, – I asked for guidance.

Instantly, I saw/realized with a non-cognitive knowing that most of my motivation to go was driven by an old trauma response. The urge to go was constructed of an unconscious impulse to prove to my family that I’m emotionally stable, that I’m a good person, that I’m a strong older brother who can be there even though my father and my siblings weren’t there for me. It was half, see how decent people act (and what did you do when our parents made life in our family unlivable for me)? And half, I’m not what our parents told you I am, please finally see me.

I could see that this was merely a belief program trying to make something true about me or not true about me. I was using the memorial to negotiate my identity with my family, based on deluded statements and behaviors made by my parents when I was young. The beliefs driving my “intentions” had no conscious will or meaning. My decisions weren’t choices, they were reactions to being hurt and abused.

Unconscious identity negotiation was tossing me, emotionally vulnerable, and grieving into a room with my mother. This was an act of denial of what I had lived through and showed lack of understanding and compassion for my own human experience. No longer unconsciously driven to “choose” based on deluded identity struggles, instead of “what is right?” I wondered “what is right for me?”

The answer was instant. What I really yearned for, more than anything, was to spend time on the day of the memorial with a loving friend who knew me, who I trusted. I felt a quiet, calm energy to care for myself, not in spite of, not as proof of anything, but specifically because I had such difficult experiences as a child. The life I had lived, once accepted, made this the aligned choice for me. Accepting those experiences allowed me to discern the rightness of gentle protective selfcare in place of trying to negotiate some perception of my identity with my family.

As soon as I could, I acted on the truths into which I had evolved. I texted my family or spoke by phone to inform them I would not be coming. I texted a close friend, a trainer and exceptional athlete, to ask him for a gentle workout and time in the sauna on the day of the memorial.

I was flooded with relief and a sense of freedom – not freedom from things to be feared, but a sense that I was free by nature, by inheritance. A profound sense of rightness brought me near tears. I wasn’t rejecting the memorial out of resentment, anger or pettiness. I wasn’t punishing my family. I was honoring and respecting the suffering I had experienced as a child and I was offering myself the respect, acknowledgement and care specific to the human life and experiences belonging to me. It became irrelevant that my parents had never been capable.

I had asked for and been given clear tangible signs that I would be guided and cared for but first I had to surrender to my experience, breath, soften my body, and ask for help.

Days later the rightness is unshakable. Whatever the outcomes, I have been cared for more profoundly than I could have imagined. Words do not serve to communicate the peace and grounding that expanded from this support, these instructions and from taking action to honor this communion. Said another way, I expanded my awareness of myself and revealed more of my true nature and true experiences of myself. Expanded awareness and experience of yourself as well as your human experiences result in more profound experiences of the goodness, beauty and peace inherent to who and what you are.

As simple, almost naive, as it may sound, the fundamental skill to being a human being is:

First: Surrender to your experiences and accept that you cannot know or understand everything.

Second: Breath and soften your body. If you feel resistance, anxiety, anger or any other intense or dense energetic emotion, use the first directive, surrender to that experience too. Surrendering and softening the body makes you available for guided evolution.

Third: Ask for guidance. The first two directives invoke the contract between you and God, you and higher consciousness. If you consciously choose to relinquish control and consent to guidance, higher consciousness will never fail to answer.

Fourth; Practice. Practice the first three and act on the felt direction that results. With any conflict, confusion, suffering of painful outcomes, return to the first three directives.

I only relay this information, not knowing anything for sure, not entirely understanding, still a fumbling human. Agree or do not, practice or do not, I have no opinion. I only know that though I’ve had many decisions result in wonderful changes in my life, this was the first time, peace and trust were in the choice, and the most powerful outcome was not an external result but a sense of expansion and rightness to my existence. I chose so that I could see and experience more of myself and I received more than I could previously imagine. Is this not the process of all human life?